Date:	2006-02-16 00:44
Subject:	Perhaps dramatic...but my feelings none the less
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic

I was a great and mighty river
Fluid and elegant
A cold rivulet, glowing with starshine
In the sunlight
And the moonlight
The great life giver
Sparkling and unsullied
A living thing
Breathing
Dancing
With the wind
With the willow tree
The great winder
The great serpent
Crystalline
Cool to quench
Pure to nourish
And Uncontainable


He came to me with his sickness
Entered into the heart of me
And bathed there
Rinsing himself
Of the poison that was his suffering.
I pitied his weakness
And I drank it from him
I coursed over him, purified his blood
and took it in
He released his filth inside of me-
All Sour
All Rotten
I washed over him and over him
But there was too much.
I thought I was strong enough

But it collected in my womb and formed a dam there
No more rushing, no more movement
Only stagnation and putrid decay
The smell is sickening
Sour and unbearable
He takes all that I was
Desecrates and sullies me
Transfers his acid, then looks in repulsion
By the filth I have become
He wrenches himself from my bowels well cleansed
Leaving all sickness, all rotten.
Can’t move, can’t breath
All poisoned fish gasping with glazed eyes

I slowly evaporate into the clouds-
Transform and rain down
The long process
Of healing
Of cleansing
Of purifying and renewal.
Water cannot be contained
It must be free
or it will die
It flows from place to place
And it finds a crack to spill through
But how long it does take

He delays his own decay
Excreting toxic waste into all that is good
But his sickness cannot be removed
It lies sleeping in his blood
Always growing
Ever consuming
It eats out his insides and strips off his flesh
Leaving hollow shadows
And an empty shell

Date:	2006-02-13 14:56
Subject:	Emotional Rape
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated

I ended up sleeping with max, and he made me orgasm. While he was having sex with me I felt like I was going to cry. I asked him if he was close, and he looked at me in such a loving way. "No...its ok..we can stop" he said. He was so sincere and ok with it... i had forgotten what it is to be treated like a human being. I just started bawling, and I realized how horribly abused i was by "him". I had not realized the extent of the horrible emotional damage he did to me by basically jacking off inside of me every time we had sex..he always had his eyes closed. He never looked at me. He'd just do it until he came, pull out, and go to the bathroom to wash his dick off. He went down on me twice in 10 months and rarely tried to bring me to orgasm. The messages that those actions send are horrible. I never realized how horrible they were until the other night...its basically saying you are an object...you are dirty...you are not a person...10 months of that...

I had no idea the damage that that did to me...i mean i'm ok.... it was just something that wasnt really in my immediate awareness until the other night

I feel like i've been raped...the effects are the same...like i dont really enjoy sex anymore..and i used to love it- no shame involved-just a wonderfully beautiful and sacred thing.. he took that from me...now i feel used and dirty even with someone who is kind...i mean i'll heal in time, and its just gonna take someone who is patient and giving and loving... but how fucked up is that? ..it makes me so sad

anyway..ill be ok...ill be good as new...it just takes time, and max was so kind to me..god love him..he has such a good heart

But yes. It was emotional rape..that fucking rat bastard..chinless and pathetic..Fuck it..it was sexual rape...even if i didnt say no, i was still used and treated like a cum rag